The ‘intense’ issue I pondered a few times. I wrote the beginning and end passages first at the beginning of the month. I felt that while I did repeat the work and the second time it doesn’t quite fit the sentence I couldn’t think of a single work to describe his situation. I didn’t want to prattle on about his agony (that may have been a more suitable word) because the story is quickly wrapping up at this point. I didn’t want any descriptive text from slowing down the pace of the ending.

I stayed away from the car model because cars are often rebranded between cultures and as such meaning for one is confusion for another. I probably could have described the shape but I didn’t see the point when it doesn’t further the story.

So once again, thanks for your comments.

In future, I would appreciate it if typographical errors were listed as such and not as a presumptuous instruction to find an editor. I’ve bought books that have spelling and grammatical mistakes in them, but only at that level do I consider them a defect in the work.

I am not sure how many of my posts you have read but you will find that this blog has a strong testing and software development theme. As a tester I can appreciate the effort required to edit any written piece. As a software developer I understand the complexity of trying to automate any potential solution. I ran this piece past two people through varying drafts and the eventual final product. The mistakes shouldn’t be made to reflect poorly on them. But, understand that this short story is an exercise in writing development made freely available on my blog and not a published piece that you have to pay for.

This isn’t about excusing mistakes in the story. I appreciate your comments and I will endeavour to ensure future posts have fewer mistakes but you should realise the level of production involved and that mistakes do occur.

Thanks

The main character appears to be a gritty, whiskey guzzling, chain smoking, short tempered gun for hire. However, the best he can offer as a description of being shot (for the first time), is to tell us it is intense, not once but twice. This seemed more suited to a stoner talking about his latest bag of hydro. perhaps the author was tiring towards the end of the piece? or a deadline was approaching? were there other literary devices that would have been better utilised to describe what was essentially the beginning of the end for the main character.

Toyota? perhaps, year and model, may have been an subtle opportunity to give the reader more insight into the main character.

Also definitely needs a second pair of eyes run over it before publishing to your blog. “She takes the whiskey bottle from the table has a long gulp.” “He mouth has frothed from trying to deal with the pain.” ” I am the ground by this point, whiskey in one hand, gun in the other.”

Finally, the recurring cigarette theme was a bit overdone for me by the end. i understand Sophia is essentially granting a man facing his executioner his final wish, unbeknown to him, but the journey to this point was labored.

Still i enjoyed it and am looking forward to the next story.

The first two comments about the sentence structure. I tried to let the character decide his own structure and thus make it more natural. The first one would read better without the ‘now’ whilst the second probably needs a better distinction between dialogue and narration… and an apostrophe.

The ‘responds’. I can see what you mean. It is obvious she is speaking. I personally struggle with authers that don’t make enough effort to signal who is speaking may unconciously do it more that I should.

I hadn’t heard of the too precise issue but it’s a good point. I personally may notice the actual count but the characters shouldn’t so it is also a bit of the not getting into the character properly as well.

Thanks for you comments on consistency and thanks for reading. I appreciate it.

There is a sentence in there that seems incorrectly structured; was it for effect?

“Lucy and Sophia both know now who I am.”

And this too:

“This could turn into a good days pay.”

You seemed to mix up the name of the characters mid story:

“Lucy came out of the bedroom. She was unarmed.”

I thought you were talking to Sophia at this point…

Overall I liked it. A little staccato in places and the craftsmanship (not really the right word – quality, skill, tone. No they all aren’t right either.) is relatively consistent, but this line was a little jarring:
““Yes let’s go.” Responds Sophia. ”

I don’t think that the Responds Sophia was necessary and it felt a little amateurish.

Also:
““It’s a vile habit but I think you need one more now, than the ten you had earlier.” She says.”
Seems to fall to the too precise issue with writers. A reference to more than one would suffice, rather than being accurate.